Thank you for your lovely and gentle words about grief, Jane.
I must say at the outset, I am pleased you did not cancel lunch - I think it was good for you to be able to share those thoughts and words with your friend.
And I love your words .. “you don’t get over grief, you grow around it”. When I reflect, I feel that is my experience.
My sister and I lost our dear mother in June 2020. Mum reached 100 years in the April, but then suffered a stroke a few weeks later. We sat with her continuously for the last 36 or so hours of her life. We managed to stay with her almost until the end, and we actually felt quite calm when we said our goodbyes, with her passing two hours later. It was a special time, and I felt it helped our grief process.
Also, quite a different story, if I may.
We lost my younger brother through electrocution in a workplace accident in 1979 - he was 23. I have always missed him.
Rob was very much an outdoors type of person, and I feel he would have been very proud of me walking part of the Camino de Santiago in northern Spain, which I am doing in August. Along the way, we will visit the Ferro de Crux (the Iron Cross), where pilgrims traditionally place a stone they have brought with them - maybe to remember someone, maybe to offload some troubles (in a spiritual type of way), etc. I have decided, just in the last few days, that I will place a stone at the base of the cross in memory of my dear brother.
Thank you Jane. The older we get, the more grief & loss we seem to encounter as those we love leave us behind. I shared the anniversary of my Father-in-law's birthday yesterday. He has been gone for 5 years now, but I still miss him as he was a most wonderful man.. I wrote "Happy Birthday to a most wonderful man.
Hope you, Thel & Carol are celebrating together & looking down with delight at those you loved 💖🧡💙🧡💖
Thanks Jane. Yesterday I spent the morning with 8 adoptees and 6 relinquished mothers. What a privilege! Grace and sorrow. Lifetimes of it. Grief on steroids. Anniversaries just keep rolling on, no matter how old we grow. Take it easy on yourself as your mum's first anniversary approaches. Catherine
It seems amazing to have found your email today. I have just been on the internet ordering myself The Bottom Drawer Book, and researching eco burials. And then I flicked over to my email.
My older sister died, 1st July 2022. Last Friday was her first birthday, since she died. I happened to be invited to a 100th birthday that day and decided that to celebrate with others would be a good thing to do on that day. And it was. We can’t cancel living our lives because we feel sad.
I miss her everyday. It’s all the little things, like telling her about a book I had finished reading. We were always recommending books to each other. It’s a little chat on a Sunday afternoon. She lived in Canberra and I live in Brisbane.
It was not unexpected that she was going to die. But she died suddenly. She was going home. In my mind I was going to go and help look after her. Help her think about getting her affairs in order. I flew as quickly as I could but missed seeing her alive by about 10 minutes. We were driving from the airport to the hospital.
I arranged most of the funeral. It was hard. I didn’t have my own family with me. I was staying in her home with her husband and adult children.
Ever since, I find myself thinking about what about when Mum or Dad die? What would I do if my husband died? I feel like I need to get it all organised now. Hence, the book I have just ordered.
My lovely daughter, sent me an instagram post, a comic called Grief Butter, which is a similar analogy to your clay one. You can find it at @ohtruth
Grief, it does not go away, but it doesn’t consume you everyday, just some days. I have tears to cry but try to avoid them as I can’t quite cope with the physical pain that accompanies my tears. So I let them leak out from time to time.
Oh Fiona, what a time you’ve had. I’m so sorry but I am so inspired by you too. You are so strong! We become strong in the face of bearing death. This is the thing about grief. I can barely breath. Thanks so much for posting ❤️💔
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about grief Jane. I especially like your comment that "you don't get over grief, you grow around it" I absolutely agree. When you lose someone you love grief never goes away. It just gets a bit easier to live with. x
I read recently that sorrow stays the same but life grows around it, and hides it some of the time. It never goes away, we just cope with it better as time goes on.
Mine is a different story about grief Jane. When my mother was put into palliative care my sister and I were shocked. So we promptly went to the palliative care hospital to confer with no nonsense
Polish doctor who said to us, you mother is here as she has two weeks left to live based on the aggressiveness of the cancer. Hearing her say that to me was like being hit by lightening. I was stunned. Some sort of stoicism came over me. I became calm. My sister on the other hand broke down. Mum was put into room and work let me be with her until the end. My sister could not stay in the room as with every wince of pain from my mum she would rush out of the room in fear. To cut a long story short, 2 weeks to the day from the doctor’s assessment my mother was having her last battle and died in my arms. A split second later my son rang to ask “ how was Bubba?” I said “Tom she just passed.” From that moment on I felt no grief. I had a determination to make sure mums passing and subsequent funeral had to be organised. I was so disappointed in myself for not feeling the grief I was supposed to feel. I saw the pastoral care worker and she told me it’s not uncommon to feel a lack of grief as I took on the mantle of the rock of the family. I could live with the explanation but I did not like it. That’s my story Jane. My fathers passing, well that another story. Alec
I love the "You don't get over it, you grow around it." I am also glad you didn't cancel lunch. The older we get, the more death we encounter and the more we have to face our own mortality. My sis died last year, the last of my family. Even though our relationship was challenging, we loved each other and I can't believe I miss her so much. Great article. Thanks for writing it.
Thank you for encouraging a conversation about death and grief. Death and taxes are the two inevitable events we all experience. But people don't know what to say to someone who is grieving. Perhaps because we have hidden all the main life experiences away in hospitals (birth, childbirth, death) and often act like they are irrelevant. As an ex-nurse I can attest that modern medicine is about the cure. Not about how to manage chronic conditions or a peaceful death. I once saw some medical notes that described the death of a patient as a "negative patient experience"!
All the older generation in my family, except for a couple of uncles and an aunt are dead. That is the reality now I am in my 60s. My husband died too young. I am a widow and find it hard that people rarely mention my beloved husband's name.
I think visiting your Mum’s resting place, then having lunch with a friend is a day well spent. I recently visited my parents’ resting place with my older brother. We sat together talking about them (good and bad). I said to my brother, “What if they can hear us?” My brother replied, “They can jump in anytime!” That evening, my brother hosted a big family dinner. It too, was a day well spent.
Jane, it is so true that we never get over losing our loved ones, but we learn to live with it.
Thank you for your lovely and gentle words about grief, Jane.
I must say at the outset, I am pleased you did not cancel lunch - I think it was good for you to be able to share those thoughts and words with your friend.
And I love your words .. “you don’t get over grief, you grow around it”. When I reflect, I feel that is my experience.
My sister and I lost our dear mother in June 2020. Mum reached 100 years in the April, but then suffered a stroke a few weeks later. We sat with her continuously for the last 36 or so hours of her life. We managed to stay with her almost until the end, and we actually felt quite calm when we said our goodbyes, with her passing two hours later. It was a special time, and I felt it helped our grief process.
Also, quite a different story, if I may.
We lost my younger brother through electrocution in a workplace accident in 1979 - he was 23. I have always missed him.
Rob was very much an outdoors type of person, and I feel he would have been very proud of me walking part of the Camino de Santiago in northern Spain, which I am doing in August. Along the way, we will visit the Ferro de Crux (the Iron Cross), where pilgrims traditionally place a stone they have brought with them - maybe to remember someone, maybe to offload some troubles (in a spiritual type of way), etc. I have decided, just in the last few days, that I will place a stone at the base of the cross in memory of my dear brother.
Thank you for this forum, Jane.
Another amazing story. Good on you Russell and thank-you for sharing this. You will have an amazing time!
Thank you so much, Jane.
Thank you Jane. The older we get, the more grief & loss we seem to encounter as those we love leave us behind. I shared the anniversary of my Father-in-law's birthday yesterday. He has been gone for 5 years now, but I still miss him as he was a most wonderful man.. I wrote "Happy Birthday to a most wonderful man.
Hope you, Thel & Carol are celebrating together & looking down with delight at those you loved 💖🧡💙🧡💖
That’s a lovely tribute Inese. Thanks for sharing x
Thanks Jane. Yesterday I spent the morning with 8 adoptees and 6 relinquished mothers. What a privilege! Grace and sorrow. Lifetimes of it. Grief on steroids. Anniversaries just keep rolling on, no matter how old we grow. Take it easy on yourself as your mum's first anniversary approaches. Catherine
It seems amazing to have found your email today. I have just been on the internet ordering myself The Bottom Drawer Book, and researching eco burials. And then I flicked over to my email.
My older sister died, 1st July 2022. Last Friday was her first birthday, since she died. I happened to be invited to a 100th birthday that day and decided that to celebrate with others would be a good thing to do on that day. And it was. We can’t cancel living our lives because we feel sad.
I miss her everyday. It’s all the little things, like telling her about a book I had finished reading. We were always recommending books to each other. It’s a little chat on a Sunday afternoon. She lived in Canberra and I live in Brisbane.
It was not unexpected that she was going to die. But she died suddenly. She was going home. In my mind I was going to go and help look after her. Help her think about getting her affairs in order. I flew as quickly as I could but missed seeing her alive by about 10 minutes. We were driving from the airport to the hospital.
I arranged most of the funeral. It was hard. I didn’t have my own family with me. I was staying in her home with her husband and adult children.
Ever since, I find myself thinking about what about when Mum or Dad die? What would I do if my husband died? I feel like I need to get it all organised now. Hence, the book I have just ordered.
My lovely daughter, sent me an instagram post, a comic called Grief Butter, which is a similar analogy to your clay one. You can find it at @ohtruth
Grief, it does not go away, but it doesn’t consume you everyday, just some days. I have tears to cry but try to avoid them as I can’t quite cope with the physical pain that accompanies my tears. So I let them leak out from time to time.
Oh Fiona, what a time you’ve had. I’m so sorry but I am so inspired by you too. You are so strong! We become strong in the face of bearing death. This is the thing about grief. I can barely breath. Thanks so much for posting ❤️💔
Thank you for your kind words.
Sometimes others can see a strength where you can’t see it in yourself.
Thank you for this - I had never heard of a Bottom Drawer Book, but it is an excellent idea. Sending a hug to help comfort you 🤗
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about grief Jane. I especially like your comment that "you don't get over grief, you grow around it" I absolutely agree. When you lose someone you love grief never goes away. It just gets a bit easier to live with. x
I read recently that sorrow stays the same but life grows around it, and hides it some of the time. It never goes away, we just cope with it better as time goes on.
Mine is a different story about grief Jane. When my mother was put into palliative care my sister and I were shocked. So we promptly went to the palliative care hospital to confer with no nonsense
Polish doctor who said to us, you mother is here as she has two weeks left to live based on the aggressiveness of the cancer. Hearing her say that to me was like being hit by lightening. I was stunned. Some sort of stoicism came over me. I became calm. My sister on the other hand broke down. Mum was put into room and work let me be with her until the end. My sister could not stay in the room as with every wince of pain from my mum she would rush out of the room in fear. To cut a long story short, 2 weeks to the day from the doctor’s assessment my mother was having her last battle and died in my arms. A split second later my son rang to ask “ how was Bubba?” I said “Tom she just passed.” From that moment on I felt no grief. I had a determination to make sure mums passing and subsequent funeral had to be organised. I was so disappointed in myself for not feeling the grief I was supposed to feel. I saw the pastoral care worker and she told me it’s not uncommon to feel a lack of grief as I took on the mantle of the rock of the family. I could live with the explanation but I did not like it. That’s my story Jane. My fathers passing, well that another story. Alec
What an amazing story! Thanks so much for sharing Alec. It’s comforting to hear we all have such different responses to death.
Jane on behalf of Mary and I want to send our sincere condolences on the passing of your mother. XXOO
I love the "You don't get over it, you grow around it." I am also glad you didn't cancel lunch. The older we get, the more death we encounter and the more we have to face our own mortality. My sis died last year, the last of my family. Even though our relationship was challenging, we loved each other and I can't believe I miss her so much. Great article. Thanks for writing it.
Thank you for encouraging a conversation about death and grief. Death and taxes are the two inevitable events we all experience. But people don't know what to say to someone who is grieving. Perhaps because we have hidden all the main life experiences away in hospitals (birth, childbirth, death) and often act like they are irrelevant. As an ex-nurse I can attest that modern medicine is about the cure. Not about how to manage chronic conditions or a peaceful death. I once saw some medical notes that described the death of a patient as a "negative patient experience"!
All the older generation in my family, except for a couple of uncles and an aunt are dead. That is the reality now I am in my 60s. My husband died too young. I am a widow and find it hard that people rarely mention my beloved husband's name.
Kate, I'm going to message you.
Hello Jane,
I think visiting your Mum’s resting place, then having lunch with a friend is a day well spent. I recently visited my parents’ resting place with my older brother. We sat together talking about them (good and bad). I said to my brother, “What if they can hear us?” My brother replied, “They can jump in anytime!” That evening, my brother hosted a big family dinner. It too, was a day well spent.
Jane, it is so true that we never get over losing our loved ones, but we learn to live with it.
Sending you warm regards.