In The Wake Of A Tragedy
When did you last have a conversation with a stranger?
Hello friends. First, a warning that I am talking about recent tragic news. Please take care of yourselves.
In a Sydney shopping centre last weekend a multiple tragedy unfolded resulting in the deaths of six people. It was followed by a second violent incident during a religious service. The first event took place in a location I’m familiar with. I go there nearly every day to shop, eat, exercise. Almost one week on, the event is still something I struggle with, although I was not there that particular day. The stories of survival, luck and heroism continue to swirl in my head. I know I’m not alone. How do we as onlookers, outsiders, process this?
For several days I visited the pop-up memorial to grieve those who lost their lives. I’ve spoken to many strangers. Some talked about their religious views: “we should not be sad because the people who died were good people and are now with God” one man said. “Where is the karma?” Asked a woman. “She (one of the casualties) was the most beautiful soul and did not deserve this.” Of the young security guard, the only male death, someone remarked, “It was his first day on the job.” And of course, there is the shock of an infant being among the seriously injured; a baby who lost her mother that day.
At the memorial, I crouched next to an emotional young woman. She was planning to put her flowers down but wanted to compose herself first. Media were hovering. I gently touched her elbow as I spoke, our eyes met and she asked me whether, like her, I was finding the news hard to take since I wasn’t visibly upset.
“Of course,” I told her. Then we sat in silence for a while.
I didn’t tell the woman but I have witnessed plenty of tragedy: nature’s devastation, human destruction, defenceless civilians in war zones, random attacks, the carnage of bombings small and large. Each day produces new tragedies both known and unknown to us. It depends how hard we look.
I try to use the power of conversation to reduce my sense of powerlessness. To connect in loss. I recently discovered that the moments when we connect with a stranger (but it doesn’t have to be a stranger) is what psychologist Barbara Fredrickson refers to as everyday ‘micro-moments’ of love:
“A micro-moment of love, like other positive emotions, literally changes your mind. It expands your awareness of your surroundings, even your sense of self. Indeed, your ability to see others -- really see them, wholeheartedly -- springs open.” - Barbara Fredrickson.
A tragedy is not a fossil. It evolves and adapts. So do the people caught up in the tragedy. And so do we, the outsiders. Even when the sun is out and there is food on the table, a tragedy is a time to connect, to say to the person next to you, “How have you been feeling?” “Doesn’t this feel awful?” “I feel so helpless.” “How can we show we care?” “What should we do now?”
We should talk more about human things to people outside our circle; grief, loss, fear, how to navigate life when it’s thrown off course. This won’t be the last time we’ll be touched by a public tragedy and the micro-moment when we are prepared to talk to strangers closes up again all too soon. It is good to talk.
I recently spent a few weeks in Victoria. On the flight down, I sat next to a very young mother with a little girl. It was their first flight and the little girl was tired and quite distressed. Throughout our conversation, I held the little girl on my lap while the mother revealed that she was escaping a domestic violence situation. Listening to her story, I was blown away by her courage. She had left with nothing and was going to an unfamiliar location. She was bruised and beaten both physically and emotionally. I gently touched the self inflicted scars on her wrist and told her she was brave and strong and that she was doing the right thing for her daughter and herself. She looked at me and quietly thanked. I have been praying for them since.
On the bus to my Victorian home, I sat with a woman who was about to embark on a 3 day hike to Craig's Hut in the High Country near my house. Ironically, she was from Queensland and in the same profession as me. On the flight home, I engaged in a lengthy conversation with the young woman next to me. She had travelled to visit the Titanic exhibition and had left her son at home with his father for the very first time and had missed him incredibly. I discovered that she had a love of music and had studied opera, and knew a close friend of mine who had studied with her. We chatted about education systems across the world (we are both teachers) and I spoke with her about my charity work. We had a lot in common. You can learn a lot about life and perspectives by engaging in conversation with strangers. A few years ago, I was interviewed by a young woman who was doing a project around society. She was endeavouring to have a cup of tea and conversation with 200 strangers. Our conversation was during covid, so it occurred online, with each of us having our own cuppa at home. She was an interesting woman and has met some incredible people throughout the project. She far surpassed her 200 strangers.
Sending you love and feeling for you as you work through the feelings that have arisen for you since these horrific events.
Barbara Fredrickson calls them micro-moments of love, I call them angels unaware.
Whenever there are bad news stories my elderly mum often remarks whether people have faith anymore and if they are praying and asking for divine assistance. I often ask myself the same. People who don't have any religious beliefs, how do they cope when life gives them lemons?
Recently my husband suffered a heart attack days out from our son's wedding which was interstate. The doctor said that he would be unable to attend. It was difficult sharing this news with family and friends however we were so thankful that it happened when it did. We were thankful that he could have surgery and make a full recovery. We feel blessed. Our family and friends embraced our son and his new wife. The ceremony and speeches were live streamed for us and we were sent many videos of the shenanigans on the dance floor. Some people were really upset for us that we had missed the wedding but we felt grateful. Our faith is what helps us to accept and move forward.
The generosity of spirit from a stranger is a powerful tool.
Sometimes when I see a child having a temper tantrum I will approach the parent, like I know them, and strike up a conversation. Quite often this will distract the child. I tell them that my adult daughter was just like their child and that this too will pass and all will be O.K. There is life after the terrible 2, 3 or 4s.
With the tragedy at Bondi playing out we had to turn the TV off. The media absolutely feed off it. I know they have an important role to play, notifying/updating the public, but it becomes overwhelming. People need to take control and remove themselves from distressing situations. Pray, breathe, meditate, phone a friend.
As Chris Minns said, there are millions more good people in NSW than bad and that is true worldwide. Lets be grateful for all the angels in our world who give micro-moments of love every second of the day. Go easy Jane, this too will pass xx